Holidays can pull at the hearts of the grief stricken

People who have lost a loved one, or who are facing a terminal illness themselves, may find their grief to be an even bigger burden during the holidays, one local expert said.

Grief is expressed differently with each individual. People go through the five stages of grief at their own pace. There is no time line and no specific process of going from one stage to the next. It is fluid.

According to Elisabeth Kübler -Ross, in her book “On Death and Dying,” the five stages are shock and denial, anger, bargain, depression, and acceptance, said licensed clinical social worker Keith Weisheit, who works at Maison Jardin in Morgan City. “It flows in that order.

“And for people who are experiencing grief during the holiday season, they may go back to the feelings they had when their loved one was originally lost,” Weisheit said.

“They can go as far back as shock and denial. That will happen for important holidays, like a birthday or anniversary. And especially the first holiday, first Thanksgiving, first Christmas, and first New Year’s that their loved one has been lost.”

People can go through all of those things through emotions associated with each stage.

Grief comes out in different ways. There is a masculine and feminine response to grieving, which is not necessarily assigned to one’s gender, Weisheit said.

A feminine response to grief is to experience the feeling and sit back and feel the grief, such as sadness, a lot of tearfulness, and crying.

The masculine response to grief is doing things, physically keeping oneself busy.

“We can’t really characterize or conceptualize men and women will grieve a certain way, it’s of a masculine response and a feminine response,” Weisheit said.

Talking about a loved one is considered to be healthy. What’s important is to respect the emotional space of the person grieving.

“For example, if a person is in their denial and anger stage, it’s going to be more difficult for them to talk about the loved one,” Weisheit said.

“If they’re in one of the other three stages, then that can often help with healing. So, it’s important to ask can we talk about the loved one.”

This is the same general rule of thumb going through a loved one’s possessions.

“It can be cathartic to go through one’s belongings,” Weisheit said. “However, if done at the wrong time it can leave a lasting traumatic impression.”

Grieving persons should consider incorporating the same survival tactics they used in the past after losing a special loved one.

“Typically, we ask the question how have people dealt with loss in the past,” Weisheit said.

“One of the important things is, if someone loses their spouse, we ask the question how did you deal with losing your mother or your father or have you lost someone close to you before.

“And then we ask them to rely on the same things they did before. But most importantly, a support system is important … people that you can bounce ideas off of.

“People you love and trust that you can sit and talk with. And then professional help as needed.”

One can control their own grief to a certain extent.

“Some people feel like their grief is running their life,” Weisheit said. “It’s all a matter of being able to be aware of how their grief is affecting them.

“And then what they can do to help resolve some of that grief. It’s all a matter of awareness. It depends on their level of awareness about their grief. And how they have recovered in the past.”

Hope can be found after a loved one dies.

“Fortunately, there are a lot of support services available,” Weisheit said. “Most churches either have a grief group or they have some affiliation with a church that has a grief group.

“Most all clinicians are very, very well-trained in helping people deal with their grief to find hope. But it’s all about going through the process.

“Hope only comes after we kind of work through the five stages. However that timeline is. Hope floats as the stages are identified.”

Grief should not be confused with major depression.

“There are … signs and symptoms of depression,” Weisheit said. “And any of those are what’s better defined by the grief and loss issues, those signs of major depression.

“But a diagnosis of depression is always dependent upon the severity of those symptoms.”

According to the American Psychiatric Association’s diagnostic criteria for Major Depressive Disorder, a person must experience five or more symptoms below for a continuous period of at least two weeks.

—Feelings of sadness, hopelessness, depressed mood.

—Loss of interest or pleasure in activities that used to be enjoyable.

—Change in weight or appetite: either increase or decrease.

—Change in activity: being more active than usual or being less active than usual.

—Difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much.

—Feeling tired or not having any energy.

—Feelings of guilt or worthlessness.

—Difficulties concentrating and paying attention.

—Thoughts of death or suicide.

Most symptoms must be present every day or nearly every day and must cause significant distress or problems in daily life functioning.

Weisheit is an account manager and social worker for Synergy Home Care, which is an affiliate of Kindred at Home.